The thing about long term relationships is that you don’t just get your chosen partner.

For better or worse, you get their family too.
They become an extension of the couple, and the couple an extension of the family.

When E’s grandmother died in early 2009, a full year after I’d left, there was no question that I wanted to say goodbye to her. After all, I’d known her just as long as I’d known E, 15 years. At the time of her death E and I were still “talking” now and then via email and with a good amount of civility. He forwarded me the viewing/service information, and I made sure to pick a viewing hour that I was certain he wouldn’t attend. I took the day off from work and headed to New Jersey.

I didn’t see E there, not that it mattered. I saw his mother, his father, and one of his brothers very briefly. His mom’s face was the first I saw when I walked in, glancing briefly my way before turning. Not because she wasn’t happy to see me, but I think because I had assumed the face of a stranger. A few moments of replay and recognition in her head brought her attention back my way, and the warm-eyed smile she gave me still breaks my heart when I think about it. On the side of the gaudy funeral home lobby, she and I sat in a love seat and talked for just over an hour. We walked up to the casket and spent time with her Mother, there weren’t many other people at this viewing hour for her to neglect. I don’t recall much of what talked about, only that she was so touched that I came and that “it’s ok, people change you know”.
I made peace that day with E’s mother, her deceased mother, and one more little pocket of New Jersey I’d vow to not visit again. I still consider that day one of the most painful of my entire divorce process.

This Christmas Scott’s grandmother gave me something that belonged to her; a sweet crystal bell that’s currently sitting on my shelf next to photos of my best friends and rows of my favorite books. Just a few short hours before Scott would propose to me after returning to our place, his grandmother gave me something that was precious to her and said simply “I thought you should have this”.  A day before our proposal-recounting phone call to his elated mother who told me “I love you already, you make it so easy”, I fought a tear or two after opening the bell and began to worry that I was setting up a whole new family of people I might find myself crazy about and then let down someday. And it’s true, anything can happen. But just a few hours after opening that bell, alone on our couch, in my pajamas, Scott on one knee, I still said yes.
Anything can happen.

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