I’m not terribly worried about being a “good enough” mother, and I’m certain that Scott will be a stellar Dad. I don’t know why, maybe because I know if I were to have a baby it would be because I wanted it very much. And if I want it, I’d certainly try to be good at it.
The concerns that equipped my eyes with some glorious gray bags today are of the “holy shit, could these fears be more random” variety.
Finally I drew the line at “I’d like to have a baby before my Mother dies.”
L is certainly not on death’s door, but she had an incredibly frightening health scare late in 2010.
When I got the call that she was in the hospital, her not being around for a future grandchild was not far from the first fear that popped into my head.
The last time I joked with her about when I’d finally decide to have a baby, she replied “For you? The sooner the better.” My Mother is a child of Woodstock who had her firstborn at 23, in her eyes my childbearing days are facing extinction. And I consider this, even though I know she’s wrong.
Before I let the tears over L fall, before I decided that enough was enough and this non-existent baby would keep me up no more, I went through some of the less daunting Panic Parade thoughts. Names, BPA free or glass bottles, would the cat hate a baby, where would we put the crib, could Scott take care of the baby while working at his home office? Just a pinch off the top the endless mound of thought and question.
I’m the kind of person who can think myself out of almost anything. L says I’m “analytical” but I know that’s just a nice word for “Damn girl you think way too much!.” Scott isn’t much different, though his analysis reach more towards the logical than my Chicken Little scenarios.
Everyday I think myself out of having a baby right now. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a good reason for that. Which requires, naturally, more thought.
Having a child isn’t supposed to be easy or convenient or less than life altering, but people still do it all the time.
And I’d like that.
If I could just shut my brain up for one deliciously carefree moment.
